coffeecakes

rainy heart

2011-06-19T03:58:00.002+08:00

existence isn't there. but i really hope you are living well. your body, mind and heart... take good care. they will down function any time, any sooner. till we meet again. study hard friend.

because you’re the cheater, a liar and a killer

2011-06-17T21:46:00.003+08:00

i want those memories to disappear. into the darkness, into a further place, please take away my painful tears. i just don’t get it, get it. why don’t you get it, get it?

2011-04-20T01:47:00.003+08:00

not able to adapt in changes. not able to let go. not able to take risk. not able to express freely.
negatively is always there.
that's basically weakens me.

2011-04-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

I will be a better person when it is over. hmm... a better woman. maybe? hahaha!

replies

2011-03-29T02:35:00.000+08:00

Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.

The man just didn't notice his surrounding. Looking far is pretty much contented even it is just passing by. The woman didn't want to be notice.

continue?

2011-03-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

I tend to sleep more. sometime I don't wish to get out of bed, thus I tend to day dream. it brings me to the most imaginative creative sleep dreams i can think off, thus I ended up have a smile on my face while sleeping. :)

if only such dreaming can became reality, life can be more peaceful.
but sometime life gives you bullshits, so you just got to live with it. that's just part of parcels of life.

2011-03-19T12:40:00.002+08:00

technology why must you be so advance? and still advancing. =?

2011-03-18T20:12:00.002+08:00

I have a question that has been stuck in my head 24/7 I have been thinking in all day. and and and it causing massive headaches! :(

2011-03-14T05:47:00.001+08:00

it's not that hard to say. but to do the action is just too hard.

2011-03-04T19:13:00.000+08:00

kind of over reacted. hey, I m a woman. always have. hahaha.

2011-03-03T17:25:00.000+08:00

your affections is so mess up. that's pretty much bullshit.

another try?

2011-03-02T23:54:00.003+08:00

really wanna make another confession. but but but I don't dare to suffer another mishap. so how?

bye bye 2.2

2011-03-01T23:33:00.004+08:00

school is over. like finally. six weeks of holiday will be heaven for me.
presentation went well. i might say it as easy peasy. didn't even need to explain the codes. that was totally awesome. the fact that project did took 3 day only with intense, hard core, no sleep, lack of sleep, fully try and error method was completely impressive. hallelulyah....

today i think it was pretty nice day to end the last day of school. finally i was getting some fresh air outside. those bullshit issues make my life even more shitty and happen at the wrong timing where assignment are date due-ed was all thanks to you. damn asshole jerk. i seriously cannot take the craps of your affections.

anyway, movie and lunch dates went pretty well. fun! enjoyable! and not forgetting that i saw all three guys that i used to like. just a crush, nothing more. but still wahhh..... fate was by my side today. thank you up above. their adorableness just kills me when i get to see them for a few second. apparently i have to get over with it. but still i'm contented.

by the way, kecik. get well soon fren. and thank you, direct message had error. weee.... dah tak malu. i can still act slightly shy instead of avoiding. weee.... XD

stopped

2011-02-28T03:19:00.002+08:00

i will be oright. thank you friend for invading your privacy. it hurts will it last. XD

2011-02-27T21:22:00.002+08:00

I shall plug the earpiece and calm myself to sleep. the body, mind, soul need a nap.
because I m a cool person I shall not bother anyone, they have their own life. but blogy will here to hear my rants. and that's the reason I always attach to blogger. hahaha.

2011-02-27T20:19:00.005+08:00

i seriously cannot take anymore surprises. i can perfectly see why you are such an ass. fine, they look great together.
breath in breath out, breath in breath out. breath in breath out, breath in breath out. breath in breath out, breath in breath out.
i swear i can pass out anytime now. as i have lack of sleep now. my brain is starting to go high now. i cant seem to focus now. my legs are shaking now. my hand are trembling. nausea is acting up again. fml.

what the bloody hell was i looking for.

....

2011-02-27T19:15:00.000+08:00

so did i or did not i?

normal abled

2011-02-27T02:59:00.004+08:00

ohh well, the truth hurts. it's oright, it's ok, i have very high level of patience. because i m cool woman and i know i can handle it.

who the hack m i joking with?

sincerely i will laugh out loud. kwenchana chingu. XD

2011-02-24T02:03:00.002+08:00

what is right? what is wrong?

your adorableness kills.

such an ass

2011-02-23T15:59:00.001+08:00

Hogan A: “What about your girlfriend?”
Hogan B: “Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for like, two hours every day. So I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.”

this has been stuck on my head for countless of time.
if relationship was as easy as this, woah... everyone would be dating huh? countless of partners. hahahaha.

another cancellation

2011-02-23T03:07:00.001+08:00

i hear your heart call for love, then you act like there's no room.
room for me, or anyone. don't disturb is all i see.
close the door, turn the key. on everything that we could be.
if loneliness would move out, i'd fill the vacancy.

all over again

2011-02-23T01:06:00.000+08:00

some people say that everything has got its place in time. even the day must give way to the night. sure there'll be times we wanna say goodbye. but even if we try, there are something's in this life won't be denied.

re reblog

2011-02-21T23:21:00.004+08:00

src: http://heartbeatsforyou.tumblr.com/post/3359803055

reblog

2011-02-20T22:38:00.002+08:00

src: http://xatiese.tumblr.com/post/1126256930

one time

2011-02-19T13:13:00.004+08:00

ohhh... wasted! two hours late. it could have started. other act of randomness.

becaue i

2011-02-19T03:56:00.004+08:00

because i am in pain. i am lost in thoughts.
because i am in pain. i can't seem to be normal.
because i am in pain. i am very much hate you.
because i am in pain. i can't erase you.
because i am in pain. i am able to move on.

thank you.

new focus

2011-02-18T15:45:00.003+08:00

i'm thinking of losing some weight. especially on my thighs area and have a few abs hahahaha. shall start after all submission is done.

ohh assignments please be kind to me.

sinking in thoughts

2011-02-18T01:32:00.002+08:00

yesterday, this heart ache quite a lot. music accompanied me throughout the night.

Invading

2011-02-17T20:47:00.001+08:00

when life is full of bullshits, might as well get laid and blast the music.

I must have committed a bad sin

2011-02-17T12:33:00.010+08:00

my life has been pathetic for the past few years. ohhh goddammit... just move that one step. just keep telling yourself, he is one very much an ass person. he admitted too. life would be so much less tension not thinking of him almost all the time.

wahh!?!?@!?@!? you have no idea how damn frustrated i feeling right now. how could i have wasted so much energy on you. like seriously, you are living life seriously comfortable while i have been living my life miserably insane. how did i became so bewitch on you, how madly insane have you put in under your trance.

looking at the past. damn it was super fuck up shit. i must really have lost it. damn! how embarrassing it has been.

you are very much an ass guy. literally i do agree on what other have say. what do i see on you?

i must have love the wrong person. that's part of parcel of life huh. i understand.
thank you up above for letting me know.
give me some time to sort this hated feeling i bury deep inside me. it's burning with intense animosity. this kind of craps are seriously full of craps. i can't be bother with it anymore.

v day

2011-02-14T11:41:00.002+08:00

happy love day! love yourself and love each other everyday ♥

only you.... are my valentine, you are.... my love for now
only you.... are my valentine
even though you have left me, you are still my love
the one that i adore.

say la la la la la

2011-02-12T03:41:00.005+08:00

website change. randomly exploring... and then you appear! weeee.
i cannot stop staring. it's you. ^^

high high i'm so high, high high up in the sky, fly fly touch the sky.

yah.... i cannot listen to sentimental love song. it hurts. feeling very lonely hahahaha.

emotion runs

2011-02-03T14:56:00.003+08:00

the temptation of clicking is so high. but I afraid of the downfall. because I know I can't handle the break down.
so bloody hell. talk to me!??!!

omg. omg. omg. I think I'm going crazy!?!?
can't stop thinking about you!?!?
damn you are always on my mind.
fuck!?!?!?

i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to talk you!
so badly!

counseling reflecting

2011-01-31T19:27:00.003+08:00

actually right, i'm very much like an average person. use to be insecure about my body weight and my outside look. thus i neglect my inner beauty, my personality.
but why do i feel there is something missing.
im sincerely not that bad right? but then why didn't it happen?

hahahaha... i was reflecting myself over the counseling videos. look at what counseling psychology has turn me into. i reflecting my own feeling, meaning and hidden message. so shall we continue the problem more in depth in the next session? i will see you on the next post when you have done your assignment for today. which is refer to exercising. that's have to wait for like 4 weeks.^^

the upcoming

2011-01-29T19:19:00.009+08:00

i m still left with 4weeks of school. make it 4.5 weeks if dateline was extended. and semester is like totally over.... weee...

i have already schedule to what i want to do during the holiday.
which is to..
1. sleep more hours!!!
2. more drama, more movie, more tv.
3. library visits = more novel books to read
4. alternate days jogging for upcoming napfa test (i seriously want to achieve silver for this)
5. finding new locations for photography snapping. (i love nature very much. the green and blue calm me a lot.)
6. sleep over at aunty house! a must!

list will continue once the holiday come in. ^^

the things that i miss the most right now are...
1. lazying around
2. unconditionally unplanned unexpected meet ups
3. texting you for a very very random reason

school is overloaded. drain the hack of me.
mum health is very much concern. therefore i damn worried about her all the time.

just maybe i think i need to go back to counseling session again. just to get back life on track.
you should have been nice to me. because i don't bite. hahahaha.

your day was't mine

2010-11-29T23:55:00.001+08:00

happy bdae dae fren. =)

after thoughts

2010-11-29T23:29:00.003+08:00

i cannot get any closer but why does this foolish heart keep pounding? haunted by you again and again i just can't get away, this hopeless love hurts this heart so much. from day to night you're all i think about. begin so pitiful and silly.

what should i do?

it's too late, nomu nujo boryosso

2010-10-20T01:20:00.000+08:00

too late, it’s too late
quit your tricks, why do you keep stepping back?
from head to toe, from one to ten, it’s all lies!
from head to toe, because of you my heart is destroyed

+/-

2010-10-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

should i be contented or should i be distressing?
im aimlessly staring.

other half thoughts

2010-10-19T01:12:00.002+08:00

No idea who to complain.
So dear malia other half.

Stop wasting your time on unnecessary thoughts and fantasy! You are so blinded in so many ways. Can you please think ahead and be sensible? Ohh up above, this life you created for me is all for the best right? Guide me pretty please?

Ohh damn, up above is asking you to think properly idiot. Banyak bersabar boleh. And do something worth making your life contented, the year is ending soon. And please start thinking of the future plans! You are one asshole lazy-ass bitch.

overwhelming turns demoralizing

2010-10-14T01:00:00.002+08:00

life is so depressing right now. why is everyone getting engage/marry? yah!?! i feel so disheartening.

but on the other hand, happy marriage life friends! your husband/wife are pretty awesome!

ehh, i also envy them. i also want to get engage.
ehh gatal, belajar belum habis. kerje belum start, mane duit nye? haix.

just

2010-10-12T02:08:00.002+08:00

There was this one time, i had the sense that he was opposite me in the other direction. Which i believe i was correct, judging it from the distance from one site of the road in a moving bus perspective view and he was opposite.

Just one from a far distance, i think.

Global Entrepolis @ Singapore

2010-10-09T02:00:00.000+08:00

Volunteer myself to GES Summit, after recruiting some of my fellow classmate. Why? I m CCA-less. SEAL point and resume must have something to write on for me to look good. Plus the other reason was that i was bored, a day or two doing something useful is not a bad idea and we have 20 dollars meal pay aka work pay. Plus munching and eating good hotel food for all lunches and tea breaks is YIPEE Wee!

We bunch of TP peeps were all looking forwards for the FOOD! Yesh FOOD! The countless of toilet break just to have a tiny bit of break to have our butt seated and foot rest. One of the volunteer even suggests us for a foot spa. Hahaha.

Apparently you could imagine the work we did. It was to stand throughout the whole day. 7am to 6pm minimum. What I did for the two days was to stand next to the door, guard and open door, say good morning, hello, thank you, hold the lollipop number card and microphone during panel session. The room was freezing cold orite. Even with blazer is still damn cool. The organizer and the business people there are all nice looking adults. Doing something simple and have a smile in return truly pay off. I likey.

Oh yes, I met this delegate, malay, mid or late 20’s, cute and charming. Early in the morning while on standing duty at the door he keeps walking quite a close distance to me. Apparently I have no idea what is his name because the bloody badge was facing the back. Very clever argh this guy and most of the time he is alone! He even sit a close distance to my resting table. Happy admiring from far. I recall him as the guy who wants two translation devices as he come back and forth asking for other one, when i clearly knew he was alone. Hehehe.

Sadly to say he didn’t attend the next day session which i was so looking forward to! Hmmp.

Other one thing, tinggi name was found by the help of my friend. Apparently i don’t have that much excitement after knowing his name. He is cute because of his extremely nice smile. I was just turn off by his age; two years younger seem too young. I have decided that he is just an eye opener in school, something to just look forward to look at and nothing more.

That does conclude that i like older guys. Oright!

miyanae, kahm sah hahm nee dah

2010-08-29T03:56:00.002+08:00

to whom it may be concern,

i have endlessly continue saying i m sorry and thank you to myself when i m thinking of you.
i not sure in a day how many times i had say out your name. part of routine, i guess.
hopefully i will get well, i think.
ohh why, such a thing happen?
the light was merely out, why does it keep burning?

babo

2010-08-20T18:10:00.000+08:00

idiot! I feel like scolding you but i can’t. feel like slapping you but i can’t.
why in the first place i met you!?

the painful sad days

2010-06-15T21:28:00.003+08:00

restless. been awhile since it last concluded, 8765.81277 ++
one is better than none and none is better than one. thank you.

like a fool

2010-06-03T14:07:00.005+08:00

reminiscence turning a year old.

more beautiful than the stars above in the night sky, the shining thing deep inside my heart, my own love light.

paramore, my heart

2010-05-28T19:50:00.005+08:00

one sided love is quite hard to live on huh?

timing lari. kirikn, bukan salah kite org lah. just that, fate wasn't there.

note!
i m handphone-less for the next few weeks. call my house number or email me or msn me or facebook me or twitter me! and the reason because i washed my bedsheets together with my handphone. the phone has drown inside the washing machine for an hour. i know, i m absolutely stupid!

i feel so bare.

a break

2010-05-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

School is hectic! Week after week, dateline submission. Further add more, mum hasn’t been well. Too much possible outcomes rushing in my mind, wondering around pretty much a lot.. wondering how m i suppose to cope.

If you only knew, I personally think i would be at least in much better state then now.

2010-04-14T10:36:00.000+08:00

fml. why m i living my life like this?

commercial adv gags

2010-04-08T21:17:00.007+08:00

anyone recall the commercial that aired at channel 5 about Singapore Talking?

so here the story, every time that commercial aired and the part when the host guy enter frame, the siblings said, "hi my name is ashraf", tu ashraf (thats ashraf)! everyone start laughing. to further add on, younger sister said you like a guy whose name is ashraf huh? i m like, his name is like that. i can’t change that name. and she replied, me too. but the thing is the host guy name is ashraf. that's the same name as the one my younger sister crushing on. mine is without the h on his name. and he is way shorter and younger and straight hair and better eye sight and nicer upper body. hahahaha. and to why i m the victim to be teased here when it is my younger sister crush name that aired? i shall dig my younger sister profile to further research this guy she crushing with. hahahahaha. i’m just concern about her well behave, ok. hahahaha.

today post is just random. btw, badly needed to change bedtime timing as school is starting soon. ohh no no no no... .. .

other one?

2010-04-03T15:48:00.004+08:00

the hearts pendant necklaces that i had for so many years. four/five years i think, are gone! depressing nye, that was the longest accessories i kept which had so many memories. we went through so many up and downs, so much hope and wishes make that i keep holding you on. i wear you all the time when we were out. where are you, i know you are at home, but where is it. i search high and low for you. But i still can’t find you. argh.

must find replacement already... shireoyo.

2010-03-23T02:30:00.000+08:00

i like you from far, and if it’s near i tend to freak out.

creation needed

2010-03-21T04:58:00.003+08:00

if there is a thing that remote a stop button on human life, i would personally want to stop liking you. ohh, great scientists create that kind of technology. i would greatly pay a huge sum of money. hahaha. and a pause button too. ohh, make it rewind also. hehehe.

___________________________________________________

two hours on alternate days, jog walking can be pretty fun to relieve stress. the fresh air, the night breeze, the twinkling starling, the bright moon, blasting music kind of make me smile. it brings up and down mood, sad, unhappy... but one thing for sure, im feeling healthy for once after a very long break of non exercising since ITE days. memories recall and i sure do miss walking pass all the lanes i had pass through. and can i say, i losing my tummy fats and my thighs are tone too. no more late night supper, dinner as early at six and a meal or two a day. plenty of water, and fruits. hahaha. but but but, i not sure how long i can keep up. since i doing it to kill time. hmph.

___________________________________________________

and to be always continue till not sure when it will die off, i was wrong for acting the way i m. jeongmal mianhae, is the only phrase that i keep saying to myself. thinking back that kind of meeting won’t happen again. ohh well, that’s my biggest mistake huh? i can be such an idiot sometime. ohh wait, all the time!

really sorry.

2010-03-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

im the one who acting like a stranger huh?

i have no idea how many times i keep saying jeongmal mianhae.

acts went dumbfounded

2010-03-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

today ignorance got me no where expect hurt. i swear i can’t face you, thinking back the embarrassment acts that i pulled out, wasn’t something i m proud of doing.

i plainly assume i won’t bump into you, but no. accidentally bump into you, face to face from far till we are partially walking side by side. and the only thing i was thinking was to avoid looking at you. looking away, basically pretended to be a passerby.

what a comeback after ten weeks of missing in action. i m one bad woman. hardly have a glimpse of looking at you. i m disappointed of myself. and i guess you too.

basically it's my fault. truthfully, sincerely, neededly i'm sorry my friend. i don't know why i acted like that.

waited. but, didn't. guess it wasn't important.

2010-03-15T01:32:00.001+08:00

i think too much.=(

so it has come

2010-03-12T17:10:00.001+08:00

apparently the day has come, to trash away the messages saved. since june till march, nine months? waoh, long. speechless. so i have the habit of referring to your massage every night, before i go to bed, for nine months. dumbfound m i? going crazy huh?

reason to why, exchange phone. therefore save data lost. so i kind of typed in. hahahha. and not surprisingly, i m super irritating. text's sent was so chessy, mcm nak kene tanye sepak, going round the bushes, type pun ye lah panjang. brain not functioning i guess. malu nye aku! tak tahu bile nak give up lah tu. haix. persistent huh? that’s very bad!

ohh well, i have the desktop wallpaper to stare. hahahaha. bile nak tukar? in reality, there’s no one to admire. hmph.

harap harap nari nye awkwardness doesn't spoil the group work cooperation oright. don't because of me, things just don't work out. i will feel so damn guilty. asal kau message aku, stress dibuatnye untuk aku, fikiran lari jauh seh. haix. message lah, bile dah habis. haiyah yah.

on the other, why m i so worried about this. told you i have so much free time, brain start wondering by itself.

___________

result out. drop. it's oright, already predicted it will. by 0.2. not bad lah. choose wrong cds, so grades also shitty right.

just happen to think all day long

2010-03-10T18:35:00.005+08:00

i’m still wondering, very curious to know the answers. even though the questions are basically random questions, i cannot ask. so basically i will just type here, just to ease the tension.

during rainy days during lunch time, do you still leave? if not, do you skip lunch?
keep wondering what you have for lunch?
if half way it rains, do you wait or just pass ? wait, i'm referring to mediumheavy rain.
how personal can you be? can't seem to find anything.
you skipped meeting, why?
do you find anything about me, since you asked my name?

hmmmmmm.......

because i have so much unused time, brain start wondering.

sudden

2010-03-09T02:33:00.003+08:00

congratulation to fellow mates getting in RP. now i have the sudden urge to transfer school, can i be in RP with my other fellow ITE mates? i really miss them. bogo-shipo, i miss you!

it finally hit me. that light, i think i found them today. thank you. i will reflect my wrong doings and work hard. because i believe and remind myself to why i m here.

not knowingly, they are my wake up call. i think i miss you all, ITE mates. sarang hae.

blank

2010-03-08T03:19:00.000+08:00

passion of life, such thing as hope, it doesn’t exist. i’m breathing simply out of life. my body feels ok, it’s nothing special. and yet i feel like i’m drowning. world suffocates me endlessly. my heart closed only halfway. i put a lock on that door. locks rusted away from an ethereal loneliness. i turn my key out. alienation from answers, held on my shackles. it suffocates me.

picking up the phone that never rings. i wait for your call all night. i need your interest, i need your conversation. i need your hand, i need even small love. please light the fuse that’s fading away... i can’t blend in here, there, anywhere. i can’t belong to you, him, anyone else. will the moon understand my loneliness? wonder if the stars understand my scars. buried in affliction, graved in loneliness, i call out your name. i walk down restlessly around you. i walk around because i fear of change.

following the wind and the cloud, i wander the world. where did you go, leaving me here, i do not know. you left me over there to the place no one knows. sometimes the thing that always follows me. when my shadow is covered by the moon, i draw you in my hand. i recite on myself. every day, i am fear of life endlessly. wanna see you, touch you, feel you. i can only say those words, i bit on my pitifulness. i can’t blend in here, there, anywhere. i can’t belong to you, him, anyone else. i walk down restlessly around you.

night routine

2010-03-03T02:18:00.006+08:00

there was days when there's a sudden urge to text you. those simple words typed. when it was about to send, it ended up deleting. because of the previous text you send, i didn't dare. it still there. i don't wish to make it even more awkward. because you and i are more likely to be a stranger soon. or wait, it has already began.

it has left me thinking all night long. tossing and turning. wondering and dreaming. i can't seem to know why.

although i try to forget you. which i know i have too. but i just cant. maybe i'm a fool who only cries. i must be a fool, a typical fool, just like a fool like no other. i guess, all that is needed now is time.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND anyone? :)

one more day.

2010-02-12T18:07:00.007+08:00

school ended! hehehe, left with one exam which is next week but who care!

how happy is everyone feeling? =)
________________

one of the project assignments needed to be done before 1.2 semester end.

Motion and Sound - School Video Assignment.

animation programming, sound and image gallery. sound cannot load because using external file. animation cannot play because load for external file too.
linked website, very very slow in loading!

memo

2010-01-30T12:55:00.002+08:00

replacement? i guess so. before he leaves. =)

school for two more weeks! two words, " GO DIE!! "

pathway split

2010-01-07T17:13:00.001+08:00

to be fully occupied, to be able to accomplish, to have some excitement, to make this year a memorable one, to the extend its unpredictable. its a brand new year with the two infont and the one behind. hahaha.

sleeping hours has gone totally opposite due to endless reports, projects, assignment. the lectures are demanding a lot. they have already set the standard. can i faint! to high to reach. kecik works will be my inspiration.

according to tertiary level position, my senior are leaving school soon! and im still a freshmen. arghh.... =(

thoughts will always there, erasing will be much hard to accomplish because the unintended seeing, can’t be avoided.

pissing off at so not the correct timing!

2010-01-04T23:56:00.013+08:00

kirikan ended argh!? what a bloody asshole shit of starting my new year.

KAWAN aje pe! ape yang tak deserve friendship? a friendship is broken when someone backstack you, ended up tie with you, making countless empty promises, didn't even wanting nor believing of having trust on you and etc.. i don't wish to go on lah.

i don't know what to think, nor say nor do at that moment of time when you texted "pls give up. i dont't deserve your friendship."

than lepas tu diam argh! asal? salah ke awak? oik jatan, salah eh? ehh tak, khairul asraf salah eh? ehh wait, i wish to type your full name but that's not a good thing to do. SALAH KE! alamak, geram nye aku.

m i making you uncomfortable? did i even text you of asking anything in return and are you assuming that i want to have you? please ehh, stop it. i won't want to ruin your relationship tau, the fact whether it truth or false. i had always believe it's the truth. the thing and only thing i want in return from you is to treat me as a human being who sincerely wanting to be friend with you. dok, nak buat kawan lah! that time, kene reject once cukup tau. i don't need to experience other wake up call. punye lah susah nye nak buat kawan dengan si dier ni. pahadal org ni peramah lah. dengan aku aje, susah eh. pantat betul.

dah dapat message, tolong reply ehh. bile message tu ade soalan, tolong jawab ehh. and tak bagus to let the conversation hanging. the more u tak reply, the more wondering runs in my mind eh. sakit betul tau memikirkan bende yang sangat tidak diperlukan. i bloody asking you a question, idiot.

i would have given up months ago lah, but i didn't. because kn, i bloody wanted to have you as a friend. your uniqueness is what i was attracted to, because of that, i want to know about you, once i know bits and pieces, i will eventually slowly gradually walk away. but because i couldn't back track you at the end server, i m push to do this unwanted attraction tau. and every thing i want to do nor say, bloody hell i remember the fact of considering your other half. ade paham tak? always tau. sile tanye semua kawan i lah.

frustrated betul. ohh well, dier dah tido. pantat betul. and besok awak nye first day kerje kan for this new year kan, so happy berkerje-ing lah. besok u nak cerite kat kawan u, dipersilakan lah eh. hahaha.

you and i won't be accidentally seeing each other this week. so bagus lah. next week pun. the next next and the next next next week maybe. after that nope. negativity, baik ke peh.

darah ku masih up lah seh. oik, nak buat assignment mcm mane ni! seriously salah timing. tak peluh ehh, malia. salah kau jugak. hahhaha. oik kawan kawan ku, cari kan malia satu jantan boleh. malia nye pathetic life quite pathetic kn? hahaha. selalu depressing kn? hahahaha. joking jeh, nak create humor. lol.

*you admire me for not giving up. will you then continue to admire me when i give up?

good bye and welcome

2010-01-02T18:41:00.006+08:00

i swear this is like my very first time; the ending days of the year were spent doing huge piles of homeworks, assignments, reports. never get a proper sleep nor do i enjoy with the others accompany! the eve was spent sleeping till the next afternoon. the public holiday will be spent to complete other dateline submission. which bloody person makes these stupid datelines? no life, no life! and how the bloody asshole shit was i able to date you out, when my fucking schedule was ruined at the very last minute. that’s how i ended my last week of 2009.

i m so not loving my education life here! should have considered working and then schooling than it will motivate me to work harder.

New Year resolution.

1) find yourself a partner. mum nags too much about this. firstly you encourage me, and then you disagree with it and then brags around saying faster date someone. haix.

2) faster compiled and make good use of your time to make a port folio. you are under the IT design pathway, no port folio, no job!

3) and i just turn 20 a few days ago and months to go before 21 this year, looking forward for all the birthday celebrating. it’s a huge event for everyone. officially illegal soon to be adults. hahaha.

4) i need to get my license before b’dae too. can lah, make me motivate in completing this can? i want to drive someone around.

5) make lunch dates with the year three peeps, before they leave school. so need their numbers.

that’s all i can think. and i have a massive diarrhea today. i have supper flat tummy! i know it's random, deal with it.

ohh yah. sometime, i cannot deny that im living my life pathetically. this year will be no difference. unless, my mum secretly engage me with someone. hahaha what a huge blow. ehh, wait. i secretly want that kind of thing to happen. hahahaha.

should i get myself an ipod touch? 8 or 32gb? hahahaha.

distracting thinking

2009-12-25T03:40:00.003+08:00

really want to have a good ending for this year. but i not should if i could achieve that. need the help of the other party to make it possible. but the thing is will the other party willing too? i am too afraid to ask. it's embarrassing due to the fact, there nothing to interact about. how?

________________________

i stare at the phone all day, waiting
and my heart aches
even though i tell myself that it's over
lingering attachment grabs hold of me

________________________

you who left
i m the one following you around
instead of you, i myself going crazy
it's strangling me and makes my blood boil

________________________

i thought everything would be okay
i thought i wouldn't feel anything
but after i've lost you, i'm lost in darkness once again

smile and things can get better

2009-12-21T17:19:00.004+08:00

so many nights i wonder why
what can i do to make it right
everything will be alright

_________________________________

this anxiety kills me can?
or m i just playing dumb?

_________________________________

patience is running out!
can this year be a memorable one?
make it happen, please.

it state of doubting

2009-12-17T23:15:00.007+08:00

i m afraid of the things that going to happen soon. even to the smallest thing. ok, i begin paranoid. yes, im. should not have reveal it. brain not functioning well. partly my fault, regretting now. cannot expose. wait, i have exposed almost everything. argh! how? dead! embarrass! avoid.

and everything just last up to a moment where things don’t go right the next time round.

and year ending soon, and i didn’t make the good use of it. wait, i m trying too but it wont happen.

sherlock holmes movie, anyone?

(4.48pm)

_________________________

very bored. had already make plans, have already wake up early, have already get change and all dress up. open the door, close it back. bloody stomach upset, wtf. so the plans when all other way wrong. ohh it’s me who go other way round. ohh well, surt net, watch tv, play game = slack. homework has not even touch, not sure when to do it. and i guessing next week will be pack with outing. hahaha. so how? easy. school works all delay. marks deducted of course. this is how you manage time argh my friend. duh! hahahahaha.

(7.15pm)

_________________________

my sister said that i stood him up. no. i did not stood him up. he didn’t give me an answer. it wasn’t even a yes or no. it was hanging. he texted what time, whether i dropping by his work place. after that the conversation runs somewhere else. eh wait, before that, he calls. but i couldn’t pick up, was in the movie theater. sway, that’s like what, the first phone call ever. (people, i know you would be saying. omg! why didn’t you call him back? wah, sway nye. kau bodoh peh tak call balik. tu lah salah kau. ade chance kau tak nak ambil. n the list continue. i know, you like to nag at me. continue nagging at me at tag board.)

by the way, Avatar was a very nice movie! watch it! two hours plus movie, worth the penny.

because of the incident of accidentally message, i did ask him if he want to have lunch with me today. since the person i suppose to have lunch is having dinner with me yesterday. and supposedly after today lunch i off to do some admin stuff. but the fact of upset stomach, i stay at home. (that’s explains why i have three section post here, too bored.)

since there wasn’t even an answer from him yesterday and the morning of today, i predicted he wasn’t interested. i think it’s not my fault. if you say i should take the incentive to message him again in the morning. you are so wrong. i had already texted him yesterday saying that he welcome to reject the offer. and conclusion of having lunch together, it's still undecidable and still hanging.

people is it my fault? no one fault right. hahahahaha.

_________________________

the frustration of not knowing led to uneasiness and then to texting, at three am. hahaha. he replied at eight am. hahaha. and conclusion was he wasn’t in the office yesterday. hahahaha. ohh well.

because of you

2009-12-14T23:11:00.006+08:00

today i swear i wasn’t expecting you to be there. what else more in the same bus as you. what’s more at early timing than usual one? seriously didn’t even think this could happen. it has crossed my mind that i wasn’t able to bump into you since it’s early. but hack noooo. i was super surprise when i got seated. but thank god, we didn’t actually see each other face to face. that’s got to be awkward! due to other passengers standing and heads covering our views, we should be thankful.

the most we could do was just smile, repeating just smile. we like to smile don’t we? hahaha. to start a conversation is like finding a needle in a haystack. m i right my friend? i not sure m i suppose to apologize for not wanting to wait for you to drop off and have a little chit chat. if so, what m i going to say. you too didn’t say anything. the ride to interchange was nerve racking. to look straight and see partly of you, it’s already hard. what’s more to say hi. it’s been what, five months since we had our last verbal conversation. i bet you too, felt the same way. you were looking down and outside too. hahaha. it should be when i past by you, than you start noticing me. or maybe when i was sitting down. you should by now know what school bag i use. hahaha.

you are surprise, i m surprise, we both surprise each other. how great. let surprise each other more often then.

not expecting than what i ever imagine take time to absorb reality. not going to see you anymore, m i? the usually timing has dramatically changed. that’s just suck. i have to admit i did patiently waited at school to leave at exact timing to get there. (by the way it's not in a regular basic. i not that free all the time.) no wonder you weren’t there. is leaving early partly the reason for not wanting to see me there? ohh well, that's not surprising.

ohh did i type that i was lost in thought after the whole surprise thing. i had a long bus ride home, looped. for some reason, thinking led to tearing too.

i typing this as if you (referring to bus stop guy, my friend) are going to read this. ohh well.

and, i really want to date you out. but i don't have the guts to do that. i must consider the thoughts of you and her.

ohh well. lets regard this as a school holiday advance birthday surprise.

lets go party

2009-12-08T23:32:00.002+08:00

holiday is here, a short one. as project and assignment datelines are nearing as soon as school reopen back. boo hoo. it didn't seem like an holiday to me!

its the festival season peeps. don't forgot to spend till you drop. and complete all the needings before the years come to the end!

remember to ask me out. hahahaha. i may be a lazy bum, but i really do want to watch the twinkling stars at night. any takers?

question

2009-12-05T23:33:00.007+08:00

11-8-1-9-18-21-12 1-19-18-1-6

can i ask you out for dinner and a long night walk too?

that's just too much to ask. to message each other is already hard. let alone seeing each other.

counting.

2009-11-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

seven days more.
six days more.
five days more.
four days more.
three days more.
two days more.
one day more.

message sent. was expecting a message in return and not a conversation. thank you awak.
hopefully the three words with smile face bring you smile. i remember because i have been counting down to this day. five months to exact. ohh well, you didn't remember mine. it's understandable i guess. we not that close, nor do we communicate a lot. i won't be able to have high hope then. what a bummer.

there's nothing for me to hold on too. literally, i guess its a goodbye? you don't belong to me, nor do i belong to you. nothing even start between us. i won't have any reason to text you, nor you will be seeing me poping by there since rushing school dates and holidays are near and nor am i able to you since fate hasn't been kind to me, you aren't there when you are suppose to be there.

ohh well, at least we both know, we are doing fine. bye awak. till we met next year?

*even when i can't see you, i very much contented with the pictures. and may i say that awak seriously lawar. physically lawar. lawar sangat. hahahah. =)

not updating that much

2009-11-14T17:53:00.001+08:00

people, my blog slowing collecting dust itself. the only thing i updating is my Twitter account. follow me. that's where you can get super inside scope of my daily life. A range from school complaining from homework to lectures to random people and deep inside feeling of seeing bus stop guy on the dot. Hahaha.

Signing off, awaiting for twenty-nine to come by, a day where I waited for months to send three words and a smiley face.

mixing with empat pm

2009-11-11T22:19:00.002+08:00

this post is dedicated to my ITE lectures who I not sure who nominate me to to 4PM Bestari Award. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I not sure why I got in, but a very big thank you. I LOVE YOU and I still missing ITE. Bits to pieces to the max.=)

who says poly is fun? hahaha. ITE more GEREK! hahaha.

4PM Bestari Award, Project bITE 09. "I hope this award and recognition will motivate you to excel further in your studies, in your career and encourage you to continue in your quest towards excellence." stated on the paper I received. Basically it means, I have done quite well in ITE and hoping I will do well in poly years which I doubting so. Did I say only top 45 students from nitec and higher nitec of Malay Muslim for the whole ITE campus in Singapore is awarded with this. Hahaha. Don’t hate me lah, a certificate received. It will be other input for my resume, that’s all.

before the award itself, there's a team-building cum briefing section cum amazing race. too lazy to even get your ass out to exercise resulting in lots of sweating, leg aching and a new phobia of heights.

4PM Bestari Award 09: Masquerade - Unveiling The Best

ohh well, everyone make a fool of themselves when it comes to the opening performance. Everyone agreed but it was once in everyone life time. It was air at Suria Berita on the day itself, 09-11-2009 And I thankfully thank you for the editor for not showing my face. hahaha.

when school begins again

2009-10-23T13:22:00.000+08:00

first week of school can predict the next 17 weeks of torture. the modules i am talking are all ideas related. without fail, please brainstorm ideas. not 5 not 10 but countless lah for every module, fucker shit asshole. yesh, i know there's project and presentation which i swear i hating a lot. communicating wise i am very bad at it. i do have to say my language is a total jumble screw mess up. i have psychology related modules. i going crazy with the big words they are using, i think i need to bring mini dictionary to school. the mates there are super highly intelligently smart. imagine the pressure of stress i getting mixing with this mates. what kind of nightmare m i stuck with.

good person.

2009-10-13T02:06:00.004+08:00

to pass by the way i used to walk with you, i went round the long way thinking the old memories.

to avoid seeing you the way i used to walk with you, i went around walking at different time.

watching the phone all day long, wishing the heaven's see my heart.

like a fool, even today, my lips can't help calling out your name.

this misfortune event is still awful, wanting you back is what i want.

living like this, how to go on everyday?

even though i love you, i can't love you.

even though i hate you, i can't forget you.

what's left for me are only tears.

in the end i can't let you go.

in the end i still missing you.

raye raye dengan kawan kawan

2009-10-11T14:40:00.003+08:00

lyna open house on the 26 sept. dbsk loved!

poly mates raye on the 6 oct. visited everyone house. nak gambar gi cari kat facebook. mane mane yang lawar ke, buruk ke, candid ke, pose ke, tegok aje lah.

ite mates raye on the 10 oct, jaza open house.

ifah open house on the 18 sept. chitty chit chat.

ini aje lah rumah yang aku semangat nak kluar, open house raye still the best. hahaha. raye tinggal satu minggu lagi aje.

puasa dah habis, raye dah datang.

2009-09-22T13:49:00.004+08:00

dah raye. ape lagi, saya nak minta maaf lah. segala salah silap, terkasar bahasa atau tersinggung perasaan, harap dimaafkan ye. lain kali marah kat aku aje. nanti malia minta maaf on the spot nye. =)

nak jalan raye message aku ehh. nak datang rumah, calling dule ye. nanti aku tak buka pintu tau. dah kasi warning dulu.

tak banyak gambar, pasal betul betul nye malas. dan kite jalan raye sekejap aje. dalam 4, 5 jam keluar lepas tu dah balik.

iftar dengan kawan kawan ite dan poly aje. kawan secondary tak dapat jumpe argh! sedih nye aku. next year aje lah. kawan kawan poly cakap nak main bunge api, bile tu!!! aku tegah tunggu ni.

kawan poly nye gambar tak ade, sorry ye. ni semua ite nye peeps.

story of life

2009-09-15T22:13:00.001+08:00

Path of normal daily life, has be unintentionally unnormal than the usual every day.

Never forgot you, i remember you. I going around in circle. I can’t see you nor hear you but i still holding on to you. I feel so pathetic. But it takes some effort, I loved you too much. I tried my best, but it’s impossible. May i’ll see you by coincidence.

....................

I should hate myself for being such a fool being so desperate yet at the same time pathetic in ways of hanging. The reason clearly stated, what else can i do to get over the one time accident then should have never been created from the start. Is this how m i going to be punish silently for the next few years? Like how it has been done previously which last for damn fucking long years? Decision that make has always be the wrong from the start, yet i believe it was the correct thing to do at that moment of time.

I can’t blame others by just myself, many had advised me to get away but i chose to believe that there’s hope in the other tunnel, silently believing there is. Apparently, those wish will never ever going to happen in many months or years to come by. Others said i’m blinded by love. One sided love they mean. The word love isn’t something i wish to brag about nor do i feel any of it.

Putting a positive attitude to convinces others that i will eventually start the dice rolling back again. Which i had tried too, which resulting in no after effects. In the end, i keep falling to the same old place. Neither moving nor giving an extra effort to step out again eventually led hanging to the extent that it seems so desperate that i could not imagine to how much is too much or maybe to the extent that it could be countless. It just prove that i m lying to myself.

If it is time that i needed, circle of life live again. Learning patient and tolerating in process.

Editing to be continue...

Apparently i been visiting granny house for kuih making session, therefore if you want to ask me, ask me a few days before hand so that i can reschedule my starting and ending work time. Hohoho. Even at the mist of hand moving, eyes paying close attention, body aching but the mind keep wondering off countless thinking of the unnecessary thoughts. Even the wildest humorous fantasy imagination, it seems pathetic in every way.

First term result was ok, not quite sure can keep up the average range. Hopefully it can be achieve. Grandma hope i have a degree certi. Iseh, poly school just started, only the beginning. Still got long wait to go and the torturing is just the beginning too. I have met the geeky peeps, they are the peeps I have to look out for. haix.

countless random acts

2009-08-28T22:41:00.000+08:00

if you only knew, how many countless times i think about you all day long, i won’t mind how many countless embarrassing acts i can perform just for you. hahaha, this sound so wrong.

i did try my best to adopt changes, but eventually only notebook wallpaper suit well with your picture. thus leading me countless of times just staring admiring unthinkingly about you. there's something about you that is so addictive. hahaha, again this sound so pathetically wrong.

if only he knew, but he won't because i just know he can't. =)

when papers, pens, pencils disappear away

2009-08-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

my fellow blog readers, today marks the officially holiday! it will last more than a month. yeah me, yeah us! but first i should get busy with some stuff, don’t want to rot at home till raye come by. that’s call wasting and rotting at home twenty-four hours daily. so people, if you are bored, need accompany, i will serve you for the day. meanwhile my afternoon slot would probably busy baking cookies starting from next week, but fear not i can take day off just for you. because you are special to me. =)

ohh yesh, my muslim peeps we should break fast outside some time sooner please. literally i am asking anyone to have dinner with me. one more thing, anyone want to watch the final destination when it is out? call me, call me. one last thing, library date with me anyone? compass, ang mo kio, bishan, woodlands, bugis library? hahaha.

meanwhile, birthday essay is slowly calling me. how many pages will it be? the more truth and honest content, the more embarrassment moments would piled up which will result in running away. there’s nothing to lose. baby it’s the facts, all of it is truth. already had lose the chances, there’s no turning back. and since fate not giving any hope, probability of getting second chance is super slim maybe negative.

one last act of embarrassment that will mark the last of you, i hope. literally maybe i can finally say good bye with a smile.

even when i know

2009-08-21T22:58:00.002+08:00

i know i should, i have and i must to think less about him. but my twitter messages has been all about him. in a day i think i can randomly posted something. i should start moving to auntie house, west wait for me, i m coming. at least when i face the window i wont continuously remembering him. his workplace is just a few kilometers away from my house. to be exact, its 0.42km away. if the weather is bad. brain would automatically start thinking, how will he go home? lunch? home alone? friday half day? saturday working? i thinking way too deep lah. he don't give a thought about me, i should stop damaging my brain cells thinking of the unnecessary stuff can? when malia when? typing is easy, trying to convert it to actions is super hard! to consistently keep absorbing and remembering that he belong to her, how argh? it keeps slipping away. pathetic malia.

i thank you up above, that tomorrow is the start of fasting. can already imagine what i will be doing during my holidays if is not for the fasting month. would be partying and enjoying myself like i don't give a damn. it seem that life is already pathetic, might as well make it sinful till it get way way down till someone talk sense to me. guess it have to push it all the way til next holiday. ehh, i cannot predict, maybe early than that. its all depends on my self control. but this upcoming month have to be purely clean, i promise this can work out. i'm super good at being purely goodness. hohoho.

happy fasting my muslim peeps. =)
lets look forward to nice delicious food that parents going to serves us!

even time pass by, you never change.

2009-08-19T23:59:00.001+08:00

i think i should cry my heart out before fasting before i break down any moment thinking of my stupid responded message send two months ago! if not my day of fasting would be wasted.

it was entirely my fault not thinking in his shoes. my bloody way of responding to his indirectly question was entirely fully wholly my own cause. and where does that led to now? malia would eventually just breakdown crying for her own bloody mistake made. my mistake, my error, resulting on how pathetic she can be!

ever after two month of trying hard not to message, eventually i texts message him today. he still doesn’t even bother to reply a simple one word answer. we saw each other for less than a minute today and smiled. come on! a yes / no answer! i swear i know how to work from there. eventually you led me in crying on my bed as always.

malia, you one pathetic useless soft-hearted emotionally girl. why the bloody ass you did that? hurting yourself is one of your favourite hobby huh? doing without thinking? knowing it will hurt you yet you still do it? hoho. i m like that, i have myself to blame. i don’t love myself.

i think i would start crying when i asleep. argh, pathetic.

he replied. I SHOULD JUST BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL. actually kind of bang my head against the wardrobe before posting this. he reminded me about this girlfriend. argh, feeling more pathetic! i should just have tied my hands and off my hand phone when at home. didn't receive my reply in ten minutes, just call my house number.

apparently i want to believe it is not my fault. i was just late, other courageous girl ask him out first. i should start thinking and remember that for live. if not why should he remind me? its really not a lie but it was the actual fact! i find it's hard just to absorb into my head. and thank goodness he replied, i would have start cursing myself more if he didn’t.

we should restart making friend smile when school reopen if we bump each other, that will be in a month plus time. that will also depend on my new timetable timing. let say i wish to slowly forgot my feeling for him. hopefully she can. first thing is to change notebook wallpaper, hp wallpaper, screen saver, ringtone, message tone, delete bookmarks, self introduction note, mp3, random pictures, map and save messages. i suddenly notice, internet searching has been my source of information. argh, malia! you like him so much until that extend where she can dig almost everything she can find. and she can patiently wait for evening time slot even when school end early. she took the effort, at least she tried.

cinte tu bute? mng bute! dier sorg aje yg tak boleh nampak!

part ni cute eh, "no lah i have to be fair to her. i don't really talk to other girls." dier ni loyal lah katekn.baik ke pe. i should actually cry my eyes out because i totally forgot about her but hack i did cry eventually. but on the other hand, wah lelaki ni baik ke pe, consistently keeping his thought just about her. wah. envying. that her could be me. like real lah malia. keep dreaming ehh. hohoho.

take a break, have a strawberry.

2009-08-15T17:48:00.007+08:00

finally assignments, projects, lab test is over and done with. now left with one exam, CMATHS. wee. on the side note, i think i won't be able to get good grades. everything was done half complete. yesterday lab test, fail-ed. totally forgot how to do array coding! and i fall sick the night before. people cursing me for not going online i guess. n of course, not having proper meals and sleeping hours. imagine not sleeping for the whole day. not just one day but a few days of thats. haha. i use to it.
lesson learn, need to improve on time management!

before i start mugging for my only one exam, my other classmates please dont be jealous. i will have to restore back my missed sleeping hours and my korean entertainments for a while. hohoho.

vdt hmwk was on display. the 101 ideas of butterflies thumbnails.

hello i m "ha-fi-lia", nice meeting you.

class photo with audrey toh. cmsk (communication skills) lecturer. kind of told as in share bus stop accident story with her during conversation oral test. on this day, notebook was on and was facing her and wallpaper was him, she saw and commented that his back view was nice. hoho. she also had the same experience like mine. she said this kind of story is one of the kind and best to be share. haha.

school have this event call walk for rice. every 200m, 2 bowls of rice is will be donated to the needy. did a total of 20 rounds = 4km walk = 40 bowls in two days. weee..

walk for rice, day one.

walk for rice, day two. new friend make with this two chinese ladies. apparently they keep teasing 0979 because she wore heels. "calling 0907 please report to the counter!" "hot 0979!" had presentation early on, that will explain why heels.

*twice the smile, twice the happiness! i was not forgotten. =)

mum question's

2009-08-01T17:48:00.003+08:00

handphone wallpaper display..
mom said, "ni siape? mata air kau eh?" ("who is this? bf huh?").
myself said, "tak lah. kawan." ("no lah. friend.").
mom said, "lah, bukan mata air kau? haix. taruk gambar kau kan bagus." ("lah, not your bf? haix. put your picture more better.")

handphone call ringing..
mom said, "siape nyayi tu? mata air kau eh?" ("who singing? bf huh?")
myself said, "kawan lah." ("friend lah.")
mum said, "yelah tu, kawan." ("yah right, friend.")

handphone msg ringing..
mom said, "asal lelaki nyayi i love you?" ("why a guy singing i love you?")
myself said, "haix, kawan lah." ("haix, friend lah.")
mum said, "yelah kawan lelaki kau." ("yah right, your guy friend")
myself said, "lelaki pe yang nyayi." ("a guy singing what.")
mum said, "mata air kau lah tu." ("your bf lah right.")
myself said, "tak lah. kawan aje." ("no lah. friend only")*smiling brightly.
mum stare at me. hahaha.

notebook wallpaper..
mom said, "ni lelaki yang kau suke?" ("this is the guy you like?")
myself said," ahah, asal tak boleh?" ("ahah, why cannot?")
mum said, "asal kau tak ambil gambar muke dier, asal setengah aje?" ("why you never take his whole face, why half only?"
myself said, "org nye pasal lah, lawar pe macam gini." ("my problem lah, nice what if like this.")
mum said, "lah. kan ibu boleh tegok. kalau handsome pass, kalau tak, ibu carikan." ("lah, if not mum can see. if handsome pass, if not, mum will find one.")
myself, "tak nak argh. lelaki ni lawar untuk kakak." ("don't want argh, this guy is nice for me.")
mum said, "ye lah tu." ("like real.")
myself stare at her and smile.

my mum abit not herself today, too kpo-ing.
how i wish he is my bf can? hahaha.
but he hate me. boo hoo.

lack of updates

2009-07-31T22:02:00.004+08:00

yesh, i have been awaying for more than a month. i have a very good reason for that. i think i finally get the point. it's alright and it's ok. i will try to understand. and i believe you did that for my own good. but i do hope things will get better. i really wish a miracle would come by, but that won't happen too soon. i won’t be able to forgot because i still have 2.5 years to go. darmmit!

while i was awaying, thinking, sobbing, believing, hoping. the below events took place.

untouched July dates.
was busy revisiting library to loan books. 19 books loaned. AMK Library still loved. late night would be facebook gaming, youtubing for korean entertainment, busying scanning and designing web site, researching and drawing for vdt self promote kid (logo), surfing for tutorials for illustrator, damaging brain cells for all assignments and projects which date due in two week times, and one math test which i assuming i fail but not. just pass. god.

31 July.
18 nbl books borrowed still not enough! ohh my. i need other card. when bishan nbl and i got lost for a while. i visited that library once only, had to drop by there because the book i wanted is there, haix. i need a library partner book wormy nerdy like me to tag along. anyone interested, every friday? msg me, we can have lunch/dinner together.

i saw faridah at the bus, lawar dier. my embarrassment moment was told. faridah said accident was cute.

later that night i laugh till my stomach hurts. Interesting old, really old pictures was send by amalina. LAUGH orite. i gain weight over the years, face a bit clean, more baby fats on the face. i envying my small body size, in orange white stripe shirt. skinny babe! i maintain my eating habits. but now, eat whatever i can. the picture where i m wearing black shirt, that was the time i had a very bad/worst haircut. plus i fainted and my chin knock on something and it leave a scar till now, like one gangster for a few days. and the worst pimple break out ever. hair color after n or is it o? was the natural looking hair dye color. hoho. now look so fake. and there wasn't any fats on my stomach. now got tummy. boo hoo.

this one i trying to act cute, for some reason i dont rememeber. face super oval, missed.

28 July.
bright sunshine yellow and fly me to the moon loved. =)

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On a-Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

In other words, I looovveee you.

24 July.
i drop by to RP today. finally know where the school is located. cannot blame me, i can’t even see the school logo from the mrt station, it was half blocked. was suppose to stay there for IGNITE event, but this arfin was plain too lazy to wait and restless and he was wearing his formal wear. padahal dier yg ajak aku pergi. suroh tukar baju tak nak! so we ended up walking around the campus for a few minutes and bumped awallul and faizoul from far they notice us and zhi yong at the food court. not a wasted trip i guess. missed them. hahaha.

accidentally bumped view happen. must always listen to arfin , his words can predict future.
belakang dier lawar. white earpiece was something new to see today. not referring to arfin argh.

23 July.
because it was CMSY presentation today, everyone had to wear formal. but as you can see, i’m the left one out. i was exempted from this module (CMSY = CMOS) meaning no presentation for me. and because it was the first formal wear presentation, of course the others want to make it memorable. was been pull in for the group photo. i felt outrange.

after school ended, harry potter movie date. finally watched, movie was so so like everyone said don’t expect too much. and for some reason, i so cannot watch movie with arfin because he ended up watching the movie again. wah, he so free katekan and baik hati lah. ended ard 9pm. he has school tomorrow while i don't. good for him. n bad for me because i truly reach home at 10+pm like he say. whatever he said, all come true.

the photos took today was so tak menjadi can. this one i think the only average ones. the rest tak nak aku upload. let face it, i have no talent it snapping pictures from phone. padahal dier pun same.

17 July.
personal message at msn have been: meet or avoid? talk or remain silent? understanding the truth or accepting the fact? i think i know the answer. avoid. remain silent. accepting the fact. i tried but accidentally meeting is kind of missed due to classes. if so, he would avoid and i would be a passerby to him. forgot bah malia. not worth it for your darm stupidness and super innocent acts.

i m slowly trying to accept the fact without knowing nor understanding the truth. i don't have the guts to eventually come up to you since you long wanted me to avoid you. boo hoo.

13 July.
how the hack m i suppose to not think of you when your existence of knowing that you will be there, eventually. i tried. but somehow, to forgot seem so hard. to not randomly think of you is already part of my everyday thinking. looking at the time, it's as if i know what you are up too. darm, i regretting the fact that i should have not randomly approach you. fuck asshole shit malia!

12 July.
drop by to fyda chalet at downtown east. how long have we not met each other? countless. IMISSYOU already. alyn was there too. IMISSHERTOO. we talk, we ate, we talk, we ate and talk till night fall. beginning felt awkward and later night it become too silent. tomorrow school best ke pe, i will skip my morning lecture, which i did eventually. hohoho.

credit, alyn blogy.

6 July.
arfin treat melly transformer movie tickets and lunch at pastamania. foc, wee...
baik kn? one time aje. hahaha.
we should keep up the good work of skipping half day of school for every semester orite.
harry potter movie next time round, my treat. lunch / dinner is your pick hor.

i still don't get. the above pictures took are the same. arfin think his is better than mine. angle problem huh? his, left or mine, right? same right? one time arfin, one time!!

this phrase is so true. "hope is what that keeps you going, and at the same time it kills you at the end of the day." haix.

2 July.
hafizah, C246. 18 teen b'dae. phee wee!

class mates, C246 and care person, rickoh.

the lady with pink scarf is the b'dae girl, hafizah. the lady in black scraft is hajar.

soft and tasty lor. hahaha.

i was awaiting for time to pass by. but in the end, there wasn’t any fate on that day.
and yesh hajar, you took the picture and yesh hafizah, its your camera. haha.

1 July.
the very first time of skipping school just to catch up countless of late/none night’s sleep as the past few days i was mugging very hard to complete my WDS proposal which was handed up yesterday. from 7pm to 1pm. 18 hrs of beauty sleep. weeee.. i going to have more of this kind of day in the coming next term.

12 June.
pictures needed. ex bwn mates 5a1 and 5a2 meet up. pasir ris bbq.

even I’m alive, I’m broken on the inside.

2009-06-19T11:58:00.010+08:00

It was too good to be true. After a day, everything changes. It’s seem like a very beautiful dream and the next day it's becomes a bad nightmare. Three days of crying; while falling to sleep, while waking up and the long walk I had just now, I cried for hours randomly outside not believing this really happen. It has been years seem I had this emotional crap breakdown feeling. It was going way to fast.

Why must you deceive me? And how could you be cruel the next day? The way you responded to my random questions and text messages seem that we can be one good friend. If I didn’t so call rejected your undirected date out, would things be different now. I not sure if I should blame myself for making the wrong choice. But I really need to be with her, that’s the only day we could see each other. Why can’t you wait a little longer? Or was it the phone call you picked up that night? Did you make your decision after a few hours passes by? Or did I pick up the wrong date to do this? But why? The real reason please?

The excuse seem unreal to me. It was just a two days ago I ask and your replied was no. But why things came up unexpectedly. Was that really the excuse or you making up to get rid of me? You seem nice at the beginning and I really like that. And the way you responded and projected it tells me that I did give a good first impression. But now it seems that you are really the bad guy that I commented about your previous relationship. I don’t find it a bothersome to have that kind of relationship. I like you the way you are, nothing else matters and I totally understand things may be vary then the normal ones. That’s precisely why I find you different from others. Come on, I really don't give a second thought about that nor I was thinking about that.

But seriously, the excuse you give me was really unbelievable; it was less than a day if counted the day you did not reply. I wish to find out more, but I can’t. The only thing I know about you was just you on that partially day and your name and your number.

I don’t think I can ever randomly meet you there. But I really wish too but I don't think I have the courage to that again, awkwardness may strike. That is something that I can't tolerate anymore, once is enough. I don’t think I can forget this experience; it was really too pure and innocent moments. I really wanted a good ending and a good start. But you didn’t give me the chance. In future, may be may be not? Who knows, we can never accidentally see each other. I guess, fate was never been there at the beginning.

If I know things are complicated like this, I would had ask more than a drink, a clearly picture of you and more direct personal information’s to dig up from you! I'm so regretting about this, there was so much that I want to ask but during that moment, but my mind when completely blank. I should have not left early too. I really wish we could just hang out for dinners. And I forgot to ask what was his first impression of me too.

I’m sorry if I have surprised you in any way which I think I did a lot. No worries, I won’t appear out of nowhere around nor near you. I don’t think I have heart to pass there to. I'm assuming that you will never ever remember me, even if I would be standing right there.

I have no choice but to wish you all the best and may happiness last. She must be one lucky girl. I was really too late, m I? Trying to be friends with a stranger is very hard task?

from malia to asraf.

\\will he ever find this post?

---------------------------
My tears drain out mostly all my energy, no appetite equal to skipping meals, no desire to do anything equal to assignment being untouched, no admiration means no passion. Staring at empty vision equal to mind officially shut down which lead to more thinking and regretting which then lead to more tears flowing.

Therefore I will be MIA from blogging till my heart/body recovery. I should get busy with school works soon, projects and assignment are soon to be date due. Will I or will I not able to get over the fact? Hmmm..

Capricorn is very emotional person and always has a very hard time to forget.

And you, that person thanks for coming down and hearing my random emotional breakdown that was very kind of you to do that even when you are sick, really appreciated it. We are friends. Get well.

wasn't?

2009-06-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

If loving someone is such a hard task, why did I even fall for one? I never ask for love in return, just a friendship from start. I don’t think so I wanted love, it’s more of attraction of liking and knowing. I dig out so much courage just to befriend with you. It take me months to actually get up and do somthing. So much foolish and embarrassment acts was pull out, you have no idea how many countless moment of times I felt as it I want to drop dead, walking back home and having the rush heart beat jumped out. The awkwardness feeling that we bumped at each other for couple of times when I was trying to follow you till I had the guts to say hi. Eventually it took really long. The shyness feeling that eventually ended up in silent’s moments most of the time when we finally talk. The interesting facts being exchanges was one of the awkward introduction that we both make and it was our first time experience such accounted.

It’s seemed like a dream, knowing all this happen for a day and the very next day, it seems back to normal.

I just want to know why? It’s started fine at the beginning and pleasently ended.

I’m feeling depressed actually. Should have never attempt it, should had remain where it was meant to be. It would have been perfectly fine and it all cause by your foolish act. It's really your fault malia and it is. I'm really regreting it.

feelings.

2009-06-17T23:55:00.002+08:00

One day things went way over the top, smiling happily till there’s no tomorrow. The very next day, thing go way down, depressed by it she been skipping her meals. As for tomorrow, things won’t get any better than today.

argh, i hating this feeling. shouldn't have high hopes! it was just one kind of dreams.

goner, it last a day! =(

my lyna, my nenek.

2009-06-17T21:16:00.000+08:00

Dated LYNA out! Finally after many countless months of not seeing my nenek for so long, I MISS YOU A LOT!

Had photography sight seeking with her, we had fun, laugher and joy pretty much all the time. I always crap shits a lot with her. I didn’t thinking twice whenever I want to say nor act with her, she my other half. She always saw my weirder side of me since secondary school, never I portrait that kind of norma personality to anyone except her. She is special to me. =)

We will date more in future time, since she is my other half and my so call my mini library. haha.

Throughout the trip the very weird thing happen was that we kept hearing malay song been play by non-malay peeps, haha.

lyna, peace!

her daily evening outs.

2009-06-12T16:43:00.000+08:00

M's stood herself up for hours for couples of days. Depressed by it, yet still believing things would turn up better. Patiently waiting not knowing what the outcome would be, M's believe everything has been set and has its own way. The least M's could do was to try to wait and pray hard for every single evening. M's usually shear tears while walking back home when things doesn’t turn out her way. Even though M's knew her imagination is running far away from reality and the fact M’s could just do unimaginable stuff without thinking straight but yet choose to do it knowing M’s would be hurt even more later. Despite that, M’s willingness to have her heart aches and never once regretted her actions. M's believe one day, that very moment, that practical conversation would come by soon.

If M's friends really know who A's is, M's friends would really think she going crazy. The fact that A's is not perfect in everyone eyes. Even said so, to M’s, A’s has been the best thing that cheer me up during those dreadful days. A's seem to has the passion to live despite the odds, the heart to warm others, the smile that just break down M's heart away and the killing back body that M’s dying to hug.

Like someone says, the goods are the odds, the odds are the goods.

midnite then morning

2009-06-11T00:26:00.002+08:00

i created my livejournal account. ehh, no. i have an account but it was use for online shopping purchase. haha. but now it a place when i dump all my k pop madness. haha. from idol icons to images. if theres time will try to create wallpapers too. but for now, i currently pack slacking and surfing web and evening outs. hehe.

greenylines lj first post is SHINee! spend hours to crop pictures and understanding lj style codes. haix.

the next day, wednesday morning ard 10.30am! was spent with hajar and hafizah to do vdt photography project. but in the end, we took mostly crap pictures. to bugis to arab street and then to changi airport.

arab street

changi airport.

remember that moment. hearted.

long date due images for cmsk project. haha.

it remains deep, taken source.

2009-06-07T23:02:00.010+08:00

A painful love story. The love that hurt my heart leaving only my gasping breath. Hurting me, and go further away.

A girl meets a boy and they begin to fall in love .Their unspeakable love becomes an echo and love begins again.

I really loved him. I really wanted him. I really hate myself. Because I can only see him from afar.

It seems I hurting myself. Because I really want to express my feelings to him. Another sad day passes again.

A painful love begins again. I'm just can't control these feeling that surge up when I always see you . I don’t want goodbye. But I'm fool that can't even stop you from leaving by saying I love you. I want to see you.

I don’t know love. I don’t know heartbreak. I still don’t understand. But I know my heart wants you.

Your eyes is just like a pure clouds. It’s beautiful if we see it together. But when the day rain comes we cant see it any longer. This unavoidable consequence really hits me at the bottom of my heart.

I silently think about you. I said to myself that I like you but it always sounds that no way. Without you, my feelings are down. I’m still believing that you will be there.

Today I will say that I love you .I will make you love me too. Our relationship began to difficult. I couldn't take that you were waiting. I wasn’t able to hold onto you. But now I change a lot for you.

There are more things I want to say but knowing that it will never reach you. It hurts my heart.

If I could hear your voice just once...

currently. eyeing.

2009-06-02T23:02:00.004+08:00

finally week six of school ended. a two day term test on week seven (this week) finally over today. problem solving and programming open book test was way pass hard. cmaths and web design was ok.

and for now i can enjoy using internet excess for entertainment sake. have to catch up with all those missed variety show online. argh, my k madness i miss you lots.

i left my huge nike transparent green water bottle under the table in some random term test class room. the door was lock by the time i went back. i don't think messaging my class advisor help me in any way, he did'nt reply. malia, your twentyone bucks is gone and you have use it like less then 5 months. my precious bottle. the only time i drink eight glasses of water a day. darm your forgetfulness.

school fine. getting pretty well with others, i think. workload are palling up, assignments/project are due date soon in the coming two and half weeks times when school reopen.

been taking different home route. conclusion no more bus stop guy for quite a while. unless i make an attempt to stay there for a while. aimlessly waiting. but the outcome is always not there. why?

i have a self declare lover in my class. the facts that he admit he don't like older woman and other races, doesn't change his mind. haiz. i think i m the only girl in the class who can torelate his behaviour most of the time. i think because i have met this kind of peeps in my previous school. they will change when time comes. you can't blame them for who there are, they are humans like us. surely there is or may not somthing to hate them with. but what the hack, at least my everyday school boring life is lifted in some funny ways even though it always be embarrassing moments most of the time.

i finally have an eye on someone in my every day lecture periods. different class and his dorky yet something above average. hoho.

i got to get out of the house and find some beautiful scenery places to take photos. i have this bloody photography assignment. i bloody not sure how the manual function works even though i have read the instruction booklet given. dead. peeps, do ask me out anywhere!

finally bought labby for school purpose, compaq. not sure why i bought it, but the salesguy say it's good for school work. so yah. bought home and finally notice the screen was way to small for me to look at. 13inch, my ideal wide screen size was 16inch. malia, your glasses degree will confirm go up again lah. plus the start up super slow even thought it brand new, this labby has this hp programs running and i have no idea whether to change the start up option. i think i need kelvin help. abg oik, meet me can? dinner?

i have to admit the salesguy who was entertaining me and my family was super duper cute guy, chinese looking. at first we thought his malay was good because all the way his conversation was entirely malay of course some english were mix. but hell no, he is a malay. haha. my mum super thick skin ask "adik, malaysian ehh?" dots. paiseh for a while standing beside both of them. in a way he was kind and patience with us. we stay about two/three hours or so there. gosh.

and i even know his name and age. he is older then me by four years. =)

past and current school.

2009-05-08T16:42:00.008+08:00

school has been dragging. i ask my dad to send me to school for the past three week. it just happen that i always snooze my alarm clock and woke up an hour later. cool shit.
projects given but to lazy to start.
i having my basic art lesson. LYNA i feel the pain of drawing life skill using those hand pencil techniques. darm.
i awaiting for my approval of exempting computer system which equal to cmos. it's taking a long time, till then i still have to go for that modules. dots.
my old habit of not eating during lunch will be continuing for the next three years. save money deh.

classmate call me malia. lecturers seem to remember me because i have no photo submission in their class log book. haix. the photo less student.

my class for this year. IMI C246.

graduation day. peeps that could make it on that day. miss them. hug and kisses.
time to time ask meet up orite. dont forget me can.
for once, i was the tallest on that day, because of heels. haha.

my networking teachers, year 1, mr chu and mr victor. mr sathest was awaying because his wife just gave birth.

new school

2009-04-25T00:17:00.005+08:00

describe school which you have attend for a week or so.
wordless, uninvolved, tired some, dragging, worthless, comment less, regretting, different, far. i can continue listing bad comment. but i just keep it short.

describe your previous school attend.
enjoyable, free, hectic fun, laughter, togetherness, unstressed, playful, fingertips, noisy, presentable.

conclusion. ite still rocks no matter how bad people say and see.
give me time to adapt. i hate changes and making interactions.

plus, i have no school on friday. ask me and i ask you out. =)
i m loving mr chu tee wong for helping me out. =P

*praying hard for mum. hoping no bad result. =)

jealously strike

2009-04-14T16:25:00.003+08:00

i m so envying Lee Kia Suang Elizabeth. she the super top student for the whole students of information technology. she score a full 4 for gpa. cca of suncot, chair person, lots of competitions, even score A for NYP elective. she proceeding to nyp, second year engineering informatics and what more she in networking class in second year of ite. wah! JEALOUS. the specialization of networking and able to score 4 for gpa, is super hard! not even the average smartest peeps can achieve that. even if i were to be in that class, 4 is an unachievable grade. to be confirm she is eligible for LKY-STEP and TESS ite scholarship.

argh, jealous and envying her! but congrats.

i will now, reflect my wrongs. =(

troublesome.

2009-04-08T15:21:00.002+08:00

i m starting to hate tp. i super hating the A4 envelope that i just collected from school. like one pathetic envelope which contain documents. they might can have just mail it to our house if it just the envelope that you want to give us with nothing else. the only thing it say to you at the counter, congratulations, read the following documents. done. boiling like mad!

i m starting cursing myself for not having a cca! bloody asshole malia. if not you can apply for LKY-STEP and TESS ite scholarship! everything is eligible except for the fucking asshole cca. darm you malia. students of ite, who highly can aim gpa average of 3.5 please join one simple cca!

documents needed to fill in is super confusing especially tuition fee. as if one can fully understand what is need to do especially subsidy and loaning!

lastly i super hating school of informatics and it for having a one night day camp for orientation! that's the only school who still have camp! they even forgotten to stated the time! asshole or what.

conclusion, i am already hating tp. why the did i ever put tp choices on the paper? for goodness gracious me.

my bloody bursary letter is not here. darm. another money just pass by again.

on the good side. randomly buying bread and when ntuc to pass time at hougang point and patiently queuing. bus stop guy was at the next counter. most probably didn't notice me. if only the buyer in front of me were not to have purchase lots of stuff. i would be probably standing beside him at the traffic light. haha. but still i m contented.